Dad's Army take my cat to the vets'
It is safe to say that Mabel does not like the vet...or anyone outside of her little family circle. So we called in reinforcements to help with the annual gathering for her annual checkup.
"Alright men, let's review this evening's special ops procedure. Take your seats...all set? Now, if we view this map, we can see that the key escape points the prisoner may aim for are here - the living room door - and here - the cat flap. Walker, you will be at the living room door, blocking that route. You must make sure to lean on the door so that our prisoner is not able to prise it open or suddenly learn how to use the door handle. We all recall the disaster of 2024, don't we?"
"Sir, yessir! Took two days for her to come down off the wardrobe, sir! The suitcase had to be thrown away after, sir!"
"Precisely. Let us not have that experience again. Jones, you will be posted on back door duty. Your task will be to guard the cat flap, locking it so that no escape through that route is possible. Remember to lock it so it cannot be opened in both directions; let us not have a repeat of the time she knocked Big Boo backwards and escaped when he tried to get in."
"Sir, nossir! The flap is to be locked preventing entry or escape from both directions, sir! I shall also lock the back door itself so it cannot be opened in the event of a leap in evolutionary development, sir!"
"Good man. She has yet to learn how to open the back door, but last week she did not know how to open the cupboard with the Dreamies in: now she does and the whole month's ration is missing. We underestimate her at our own risk. And finally, Pike, you have been given the most important role of all: distraction. Do you have the requisite tools for the job?"
"Sir, yessir! Today I have purchased a can of her favourite food - the salmon in jelly - and have it about my person. I shall endeavour to distract the prisoner by opening the can and dealing out a portion of said food, without making any sudden movements or 'coochie-coo pretty girl, aren't you a good girl, yes you are, well done' noises that may reveal our plan, sir!"
"That last part is vital, sergeant. We recall most vividly the last operative who spoke to her like that..."
"Did he ever regain the sight in that eye, sir?"
"Not 100%, no. We don't like to talk of it in this regiment. Suffice to say, the prisoner is not a dog and does not respond favourably to the words 'good girl'. Everyone, make a note: we are not to refer to the prisoner as a 'good girl'. After she has eaten, you are to grasp her firmly under the back legs and at the scruff before placing her into the cat carrier. Now, Wilson, where will you be in all this?"
"Well sir, I really felt that my best position should be behind the scenes as it were, dealing with the receptionist and so on."
"Absolutely not. Out of the question! You shall be the one with the basket, in charge of tipping it at the right angle so she falls in and the door can be closed before she has time to turn around and push back out. And none of your delicate sensibilities, man. This is no time to be trying out flattery."
"I see, and where will you be, sir?"
"I shall be waiting by the car, which I have had fitted with bars to prevent further escape, engine running and vaccination cards in hand. Alright men, positions confirmed, Operation Mabel Checkup will begin at 17.30 hours. Synchronise watches...now!"
"I see. That was not the result we had planned for, Wilson. What happened?"
"Yes, I know sir, it really is too distressing. You see, all went well until Pike scooped her up: he had insufficient grip on her back legs, so she was able to dislodge one of the locking mechanisms. It appears that, whilst we were congratulating ourselves on a successful capture, she simply pushed against the carrier door and was able to create a sufficiently large enough gap to crawl through. By which time, Jones had opened the back door in preparation to leave so, of course, she simply shot out."
"And where is she now?"
"On the roof of the shed, sir, hissing at poor Godfrey who is attempting to tempt her down with a haddock."
"Good God, get the man down before he breaks something! I'll call the vet and reschedule. I don't know, Wilson. Every year..."
