Welcome to my AirBnB!

I'm so pleased you made it! Thanks for agreeing to check in at this time. I know 10.30 at night is unusual but we've only just got back from Antigua so, jet lag! Crazy, right? Every year I think it's not worth it, every year I remind myself I earned it!

Gosh, you travelled how far? That's quite a way and on a Friday too. Yes, I can imagine the traffic was bad, especially with the agricultural show on in the next town. Let's get you inside so you can relax! I'll just...if you turn it a bit that way...and then the other...knock on the panel five times, short raps only, and then push with your shoulder...you're in! It is a little temperamental, I agree, but I think you'll agree the space is worth the inconvenience of potentially being locked out for the rest of the weekend.

In you go! Isn't it lovely? Sometimes I imagine downsizing and just living in here and then I wonder where I'd put my husband. Ahahahaha! No, there's really not room in here for the two of us. Or even the three of us, so please do go on in, I'll tell you where things are from the doorway. Yes, the bed is in the same room as the kitchen area. I simply fell in love with studio living when I was in New York, so convenient! No, there's not an awful lot of room between the sink and the pillow, but I think you'll find that if both of you face each other and sort of shuffle in opposite directions, you'll manoeuvre nicely around the space.

Speaking of sinks, please be aware that the hot water won't be switched on again until tomorrow morning, for thirty minutes, but you weren't wanting a hot shower after all that travelling, were you? No. So nice and refreshing to have a cold one, I think. Better for the environment too. Speaking of which, we are largely off-grid, so there's no fridge, no cooker and no tv. You'll note that I've put a little tin of biscuits by the kettle. These are handmade by my children - yes, those are the voices you can hear. They often burn off steam by chasing each other with garden implements at this time of night. Give it another hour and they'll have quite worn themselves out. Ahahahaha!

Beg pardon? Yes, you did hear right, there is no fridge. Oh, you brought yourself a little picnic! How sweet. You will want to eat anything perishable as soon as possible. Right now, in fact. Make sure to wrap up all that nasty packaging! No really, double bag it. I think we managed to exterminate all the mice, but better not to leave anything out they could nibble on!

Now, because we believe in minimising exposure to all those nasty rays, the WiFi is switched off between 5pm and 9am. So much better for the old brain! The signal around here can be a little dodge, I'll admit, but if you walk out of the drive, turn left, left again, right, straight on for half a mile and climb the teeny hill, you're generally able to get a couple of bars of reception. My husband claims he got 5G up there one day!

Oh, you've found the toy cupboard! I'm a great believer in board games and such, so you'll find all the usual suspects...chess, Monopoly, Ludo, draughts. Some of the pieces have been lost and replaced by ones I've made myself in my local pottery group. Do you throw? No? Shame. Such a soothing pastime, I've found. Some of my pieces are in here, the vase over there, the mugs, and so on. They are available to purchase; I'll just leave the price list here.

All of the art on the walls is painted by my mother in law. Again, prices are listed here. She's currently working through her anger phase. The price of red oil paint, you would not believe! But we are willing to support her creative endeavours. So emotive the work, so eloquent of rage. This one? This one is called "Hatred XI" and was painted just after we moved her into this perfectly sweet little care home three hours away. You can really feel the brush being driven into the canvas.

Oh look, I see our little Baxter has found you and likes you! I can always tell when he likes a person by the way he hisses like that. This is where Baxter sleeps when we don't have guests, he started doing that during his illness - nothing serious, digestive troubles - that's why he's come in. No Baxter, beddy-byes in the house tonight! Just push him off. You're what? Allergic to cats? Oh. You should have said at time of booking, but I think that, as long as you take the duvet off the bed, you'll be fine. Don't rub your eyes, dear, you'll make them even more pink.

Now, through there is the bathroom. Don't rush each other! No really, don't. There is only room for one of you at a time. The shower is set on the temperature the shower will work at and we recommend you don't try to move the dial. Stop! Sorry, the way your hand hovered made me a little nervous. Nothing for you to worry about, only a guest some time ago, don't know how it happened really, got quite a serious burn from the shower. So remember: elbows in, don't touch the dial!

The loo is half-size and...sorry, what? Yes, I did say half size loo. One cheek at a time...or hover? So neat! So French! Or do I mean Japanese? Anyway, I've popped half a loo roll in there and some of our soap to welcome you. The soap does look a little odd: I make it myself from scraps of soap from our house. So efficient, reduces waste. I really detest waste, don't you? So important we do our bit for the environment.

A word before I leave you two lovebirds to your weekend! Check out on Sunday will be at 8am as I have to be up with the lark what with the children's pony and golf clubs, my turn to man the pottery stall at the farmers market and so on. I knew you'd understand the minute I saw you! If you could strip the beds, take your rubbish home with you and replace the loo roll before you go, I'd be so grateful.

Enjoy your stay! Ahahahaha!